We Remember Caylee Marie Anthony

We Remember Caylee Marie Anthony
Last Photo of Caylee: 6.15.08

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cancer, with a Scent of Baby Magic

I think I am going through a mid life crisis at 36. Maybe a nervous meltdown. Maybe it's the Cancer. Maybe, just maybe, its this little thing called 'Life'.

Everyone is having a baby. I want a baby. I want a brand new, Baby Magic smelling, onesie-with-a-cute-saying-wearing, baby. I, however, can not have one. I should say, I can not have another. Ten years ago, a hysterectomy (from Cancer, part one) took that ability away.

I am very blessed for my two daughters. They are straight A students. Okay, there is a high B in there every once in awhile. I didn't say they were perfect. They are not. They are messy, they don't pick up their clothes and want to get out of doing their chores. But that aside, I couldn't have asked for better girls.

I know there are women out there who are aching for a child who can not have children. Their situation is different from mine. I am fortunate to have had the experience of childbirth, twice. What I am feeling does not compare to what women that are unable to conceive go through. I can not begin to imagine, much less say 'I know how you feel'. I do not. My heart goes out to all the women wanting so desperately a baby. Hearing the word infertile. Undergoing fertility treatments and all the waiting, and sometimes, disappointments. I know none of that, and my heart aches for you, truly. I admire these women for their strength.

After writing that paragraph, and thinking about it all, I almost feel selfish for my wants. Like I said, I already have two daughters. I feel guilty for saying I want another baby, knowing there are other women out there who would give everything they have to experience pregnancy, birth, the baby years, and the loving and goodness of it all.

Yet, there will be no new baby. Instead, I have radiation treatments, medications that make me everything from giddy to grumpy to a grade-A bitch, and I have truly began to lose my memory...(that's kinda like pregnancy, right? the hormones and memory part )... and not to leave it out, chemo's coming up for a visit soon. (that's kinda like the visitor who comes to your house the second you get home from the hospital and won't leave, no matter how tired you tell her you are) I

Here I am again, just hoping to get through this for the sake of my family.
It would be nice to have a new little bundle of joy. But I want to win this fight.
My life is blessed as it is. In addition to my daughters, I have a fiance, a cat, a dog, and Daisy, my shih-tzu, that my fiance gave me for Christmas. He knew that even though it wouldn't take the ache away, Daisy would love me and need me and I immediately loved and needed her, too.

I think I'll try to make a Baby Magic scented candle.

spoil yourself today...............


Michelle Smiles said...

Crap, crap, crap, crap...I don't even have anything more eloquent to say. I would actually use another fitting four letter word but figured I would keep it clean. You are in my thoughts.

spoiledmom said...

@michellesmiles You are so sweet! I love reading all the posts of all the preggers moms and what they are going through. I really do. It is an exciting time for them (and you)! :)

I wish only the best for all the expecting moms. I just know that I am at the point right now that mine are growing up and I wonder how great it would be to have another little one to join our family. To be blessed like that again. To have my daughters actually take part in it and see it from a different perspective. I am at a different place in my life as well. I know the enjoyment factor would be through the roof because I wouldn't have the stress that I did during the first two. They are such great girls and I enjoy where our relationship is now. They are entering puberty, and at times it is a rough road (read bitch) LOL but I try to remember what those times were like. I know it is just a matter of time before boys and dating and the like come before us and they are dealing with what is going to be either the most traumatizing or most happy time of their lives. I cant wait to be there for them and I and going to make damn sure I AM THERE for them! thank you for visiting! Happy Mother's Day!

Krista said...

Hey, I saw you "contact"ed me on mybloglog so I'm reading here. I think I'm a bit confused. You had cervical cancer and now it's come back or you have a different kind? I'm sorry for that.

Remember Caylee

Song: "Mad World" Gary Jules "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.. It's a mad, mad world.." Video courtesy Sean Krause '08 Sleep Well Friend, Justice for Caylee has finally begun ~SM 6.23.11

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child of God, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend. Live life with arms wide open, living, laughing, and loving out loud. Blessed for each day I am given. Cancer survivor x 2. And for this... I am Spoiled.